Presidential Candidates as AD&D 2nd Edition Characters
Writing about politics is only fun if you’re a sadist and you’re super stoked for the downfall of civilization. It seems each day there’s a new, terrifying story of some candidate’s twisted world view, their callous, racist, myopic and primitive theist worldview. As the stars seem to be aligning for Cthulhu’s return on election day, it occurred to me that the only way to deal with such a patently ridiculous political atmosphere is literally turn it into a game. With that, I give you the four Presidential candidates, Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton as 2nd edition Dungeons and Dragons characters. Because #d20.
Donaldus Trumpefor, Lich-Lord
20th level Thief / 20th level Mage
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
Armor Class: -10 (must be, cuz nothing sticks)
Hit Points: 107 (one for each dream he’s personally crushed)
THAC0: 20 (though Donaldus has never actually engaged in conflict on his own behalf, it’s assume he could hit you if you just stood there)
Dexterity: 12 (*18 when picking pockets)
Constitution: 0 (he’s never heard of it)
Intelligence: 20 (like most serial killers, he’s above average)
Wisdom: 8 (a good credit score compensates for knowing what’s going on)
Charisma: 5 (*17 to those of LL and LM social classes, and any afflicted with acute paranoia)
The decision to give up his humanity for eternal life as a lich was easy for Donaldus. It was the only way to truly ensure he could not only spend centuries rolling in piles of coins, gemstones, and the stuffed husks of his ex-wives (whom he has slain as their beauty faded – see The Devourer of Youth by the mage-scholar Rennel Osyrion). Further, with as an undead lich, Donaldus was suddenly able to scheme the disenfranchisement of generations of the land’s working class. Though his most obvious plans are only growing to fruition now, it’s safe to assume the Lich-Lord Donaldus Trumpefor is only beginning his work of carving an evil empire from the innocence of the world. A true narcissist with sociopathic tendencies, Donaldus will say what ever he believes you want to hear. He frequently employs cults, street-gangs and radical dissidents to further his own agendas.
- Cannot speak the truth willingly or be compelled to do so.
- He inspires FEAR in all those with INT or WIS scores over 15.
- He inspires hatred and contempt in all with an INT or WIS score over 12.
- Donaldus inspires devotion in all those with an INT or WIS under 12.
- He is always surrounded by a group of the following (roll 1d6):
- 1-2: 2-12 NASCAR fans
- 3-4: 2-20 Sycophantsa armed with volumes of false facts
- 5-6: 3-18 Armed cultists (AC 5, HP:1d8, Att#1, THAC0:19, DMG:1d3 or 1d6)
Podium of Delay:
This magical item gives Donaldus a ten-second delay on all his statements when more than two people are listening. With a successful INT check, Donaldus can restate whatever he said as if it were the original with no negative reaction adjustment.
Map of Future Empire:
The parchment outlines in details where Donaldus intends to build walls and set up concentration camps. There is a 25% chance that the location of his soul is noted as well. The map is written in the language of demons, Infernal or Polytishia.
The Writhing Skullcap:
This yellowish, tendril covered skullcap is perhaps one of the Lich-Lord’s oldest possessions. It offers him +3 to all Saves, Regeneration at a rate of 1 hit point per round. As well, each day, it has a 50% chance to put 1d100 gold coins in Donaldus’ pockets. These special gold coins are invisible to tax collectors and servants alike, but can be used to purchase goods or real estate in bulk quantities.
The Academy of the Arcane and Pilfering:
This collection of buildings houses an army of misguided capitalists who engage in life and death duels to garner the attention of Donaldus. The Academy, though offering very little by way of training, generates 3d10x100 gold coins per day.
Stay tuned for Part 2: Theodoric Crud, High Priest of Loviatar